I’m still here

I’m not always sure if I care.

I sometimes feel trapped amongst the living.

Out of place.

I’m not always sure if I belong here.

Still searching.

For strength. For self.

I’m still here.

 

 

grace

flowing gracefully through water. going where the current takes you. no heart. no fear of being hurt. no brain. no memory of past pain or worry. beautiful. transparent. mesmerizing jellyfish.

love, snow, and the city

 so much has happened, so many changes. I was so ridden with anxiety and sadness. I look back at my entries on this blog and I can almost feel again how I felt then. I am so grateful for love and growth. I am back home in the city where I belong. Building a new life with my son, working, falling in love with a genuine and honest man. I love this city! I love my son!

embrace and protect

embrace honesty, integrity, love, support, open hearts, innocence, healing, grace, kindness, comfort, care, growth, and purity.

protect the same.

blessed

Tonight I met Blessed once again, although this is the first time I have known her name. Blessed am I, Blessed am I. She holds me and comforts me. She allows me to lay on her back. She walks me through the trees and along the water. She loves me.

She reminds me that I am cared for and safe. “Do not hold onto to what you cannot change, Let go”, she says. “You will always be cared for, you will always be loved, and so will your boy, you will both be okay.”

I am at such peace on Blessed’s back and I am always welcome there. I meet Owl, and I smile. We are safe, and we will heal. This change is a difficult one, but we are protected.

Blessed am I.

the garden

dear garden, you were once a promise of rebirth, a new beginning, the blossoming of true love once again. you have been covered for some time now, protected from the cold, and lying dormant. you are wet, dark and smell of compost. last year you did supply us with such bountiful and lovely gifts, I enjoyed and appreciated digging my hands in your earth, I felt bliss as I watered you with the sun beaming in my eyes. you were a blessing to me. but you failed. your promise of rebirth never came to fruition, and the only blossoming to be had was what I could pull from your soil. you are lucky you have been protected and covered these past few months. the love has died and all blossoms have withered.

garden, I look at you now and it makes me sad. I wonder if I can bring you to life again all by myself. I want to, but the sadness inside of me is winning lately. It is up to me to fight for me and for you. I will do my very best to turn your soil this spring, to love your earth and not expect anything in return. I will plant seeds and hope for a rebirth of lovely green life and a blossoming that can only occur within me, alone, as a woman who can and will heal.

I do love you garden.

through my looking glass

 

spring break in Montana

fresh snow, heavy clouds, and a dash of sun. what can seem to be cold, heavy and covered, can turn out to be brighter, lighter, and more open than ever before.  April 26th – add; Little did I know that this day would be the beginning of the most difficult discovery and time in my life.

mr. snowman

mr.snowman, you represent a day of smiles and purity. a day to forget all worries and to have innocent fun. a day to be a child and to bring joy to a beautiful child and his parents. we are happy to have you here with us and we will always hold dear the day you were created. thank you mr. snowman! 🙂

birthday

a birthday treat. a new beginning. and an opportunity for everything to look and taste that much better.