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butterfly in a foreign land

February 7, 2011

My mother has always referred to me as her little butterfly. Flying from flower to flower, exploring, learning, tasting, blooming, but never staying in one place for too long. This was either a term of endearment or a sweet way of saying that I was not one to commit. Maybe it was just her view of my growth. I spent years being afraid, hiding in my cocoon, and looking for shelter. Once I was free of my cocoon, I wanted to sample everything.

I have found myself back in the cocoon, but I will fly again. Or have I been in flight all along?

At thirty years old I was finally getting comfortable in my own skin. I was letting go of fear and judgement, and opening myself up to any and every possibility. I discovered the joy in being, as opposed to constantly searching. What a wonderful place to be and a wonderful progression to be in! This place in my life grew even more beautifully as I traveled further into my thirties. I believed that I wanted to fall in love and have children but I was more than happy to be flitting about. Did I really know that then? Or is that thought a more current one? I lived alone for years and loved it! A big city girl with big dreams, living paycheck to paycheck, absolutely enjoying her friends, singing, dancing, dating. My home was my sanctuary, it was full of peace, plants, quirky sentimental items, and two dogs who loved me unconditionally. It was mine and it was lovely.

I am now approaching thirty nine years old. I have been married for four and a half years and I have a three and a half year old son. I love my husband, I love and adore my son deeply. I am unsure of how I feel about marriage and parenthood. I am unsure if my husband is the right person for me, and I for him. How can I love someone so much and be so unsure if he will grow with me and join me on this path I call evolving? It frightens me. My wings feel like they have been in park, but the love in my heart has grown in vast amounts.

Am I back in the cocoon? Am I searching once again for my place in this life? Where am I and how did I get here? Butterfly, where did you go?

Everyday is a lesson in this life, a stepping stone to where we are going. We are given opportunities to heal and to grow. It is up to us to open our eyes to these opportunities and to keep moving forward. To do the inner work. The moments when we feel cocooned are moments to observe and learn. To be still. To be.

Until we can once again take flight in our present, and find the flowers that grow there. Explore them, taste them, and reach new and deeper layers of ourselves.

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