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deep blue

April 29, 2015

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When did I forget how to have fun?

I asked myself this as I was massaging a heat/cool rub into my aching neck and shoulder. I looked in the mirror and watched the warm white turn icy blue and then absorb into my skin. My hair is long and mostly put up, except for some wavy strands that hang down and were getting swirled in with the creme. I have this ball of stress and tension in my neck and shoulder that refuses to leave me. It hurts.

What does it stand for? What does it need? I take pretty good care of myself. I eat well, I exercise, I sleep a good amount. I don’t look my age, and my life, in the big picture, is pretty good.

But when did I forget how to have fun?

I can think of two times in my life where fun did not exist. Two times that stand out like nothing else. When I was fifteen years old and felt abandonment from my mother. When I was thirty eight years old and felt abandonment from my ‘then’ husband.

I lost trust. I lost fun. It’s hard to regain that.

I’m working on getting me back. I need me back. I need fun.

Ahhh, my aching neck.

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